.... tra la la la la, la la la la.
Yes folks, norovirus is upon us, spreading in its dependably virulent way in the lead up to the Christmas festivities. Cases are on the rise but this is not unusual for the season, says the Health Protection Agency, providing scant comfort to patients or health professionals.
Of course, some patients look on the bright side, hoping to contract norovirus at the ‘right time' (ie during the working week, pre party season) in order to profit from multiple hours of daytime telly, plus the opportunity to show of a temporarily trimmer figure.
A few might feel that this more than makes up for the ‘sudden onset of nausea, followed by projectile vomiting and watery diarrhoea'; others, who have experienced - or shared a home with - such symptoms, might not.
Warn patients that well-timed norovirus is unlikely. Sod's Law says they'll be struck down on Christmas Eve, thus ruining their one legitimate day of present-opening, turkey-bingeing and relative-baiting.
Since Christmas illness wastes their own precious time, rather than that of their employers, it might be sensible to follow advice given by the RCGP's Professor Steve Field. This, as GMTV spelt out in words of one syllable earlier in the week, mainly involves improving hygeine...and presumably riding the tube ‘hands free', changing TV channels telepathically and refusing to shake hands with anyone throughout the norovirus season.
To those who do contract the dreaded lurgy, rather than billious martyrdom, Professor Field suggests staying off work for a further 48 hours after symptoms go, and drinking plenty of fluids.
With, perhaps, an element of professional self-interest, he also begs all but the oldest or youngest noro-sufferers to bypass surgeries and hospitals to avoid spreading the bug onwards. After all, it's not dangerous, cannot be treated and most people recover of their own accord, within 2 days. By contrast, venturing forth can, in extreme cases, lead to to the closing of entire hospital wards.
Meanwhile, where norovirus fails to strike, another highly unpleasant seasonal affliction often presents. This can be just as debillitating as norovirus and is also best treated with time off work; plenty of fluids; and intense doses of ‘Deal or No Deal'.
To aid health professionals in guiding patients through their apocalyptic hangovers, NHS Choices provides handy advice on preventative measures (such as limiting oneself to one drink an hour), plus an explanation of causes and effects.
As a non-doctor, I was surprised to learn that malnutrition is one side-effect of excess boozing because alcohol uses the body's store of vitamins and minerals and reduces blood sugar levels. Fortunately, I remembered that the human brain has evolved to counter this with its determination to find a kebab shop at any cost.
Since even the worst hangovers are fairly short-lived, those who fancy a longer period out of the workplace may turn to flu as their ailment of choice. (By flu, I mean the one that knocks you out for a week, not the ‘man flu' so often presented to health professionals in the form of minor sniffles, irritating coughs and overwhelming self-pity.)
The bad news for the NHS is that people are quite likely to contract flu this year: according to Professor Field, data from GPs and NHS Direct suggests that both have already been seeing more people with flu symptoms. He warns that there could be a flu outbreak around Christmas.
However, the good news is that those presenting with symptoms caused by toxic poinsettias; forgetting to wear a hat; or extreme sugar-gorging, can be given short-shrift. Simply signpost these time-wasters to BMJ.com, which has generously exposed a range of festive medical myths, much to the misery of skivers and hypochondriacs everywhere.